These words are the property of clever people. I'm just trying to put them in order.

Month: January, 2013


Sorry I haven’t posted anything, I couldn’t find the keyboard for my laptop.



I hope I find it soon.




Tree climbing.

In a tangerine tree,

There’s an apple for me, 

But I need you to fetch it

Please, would you please?


I might give you half, 

Or maybe a quarter, 

If I ever have one, 

I’ll give you my daughter. 


Just joking. There isn’t an apple up there. 



Have fun getting down. 

I can’t get no Stratisfaction.

My first week has been busy and has allowed very little time for me to explore the school in which I work but for this next week there are two things I would like to find out. 


1) If the kids mind me joining them for a spot of basketball at break-time. 


2) Is there a room with a guitar or a piano that I can use?


I am going a bit bonkers.


I need to play some music.


I need to sing. 


I would sing in the shower but I’d wake up the children, and no one like the guy who wakes up their children. 


I will find the music teacher and pick his brains. I am sure the room I need exists. 


It doesn’t have to have a concert grand piano with ivory keys, I don’t need a Fender plugged into a Marshall stack. I just need a silent room which I can make a bit less silent. 


Be it will a piece of string tied to a tissue box or a tiny casio keyboard. I need music back in my life. 


Wish me luck. 


I also need to plan some lessons but in these situations you really need to know your priorities.

Week 1

Well, it’s been a busy old week as expected and I have started to understand more Spanish. Around the house I understand a lot more than at the school because they speak mainly in Catalan. 


Progress is progress nonetheless. 


This time last week I knew Si, No, Gracias, and Lo Siento (because I say it a lot in English).


Now I’m not even going to list the words but I have a rough grasp on telling the time, days of the week, and months of the year. By the end of next week I might have a new job as a Spanish talking clock. I’ll keep my fingers crossed. 


As well as lots of learning, I have done lots of helping, next week is when the teaching begins and I am in charge of helping them to produce the correct sounds. I think it will be easier said than done. 


The children at the school are sweet, they all wave and shout hello whenever they see me and they also give me the occasional high-five which is nice. 


The family are also fantastic, slowly we are speaking a combination of english and Spanish to communicate and also hand-gestures because an apple looks like an apple wherever it is. 


There is more to say it but I can do that later so for now, that’s all. 


Hasta Luego!

Sandwiches on the bus.

This morning I was on the bus, on my way to work.


The bus stopped and a lady got on, she gave the driver a sandwich and a kiss, then got back off again. 


What a world we live in.

It’s all in your head.

Whatever it is you need, it’s in there. 


I need my sanity and a packet of crisps though. 


In all seriousness, I spent a few days feeling incredibly lost and disorientated (which is kind of understandable when you have no sense of direction and only one ear). 


But then I remembered the music on my phone, spending 24/7 surrounded by Spanish voices and accents there is nothing better than hearing a British accent on a record.


So even if Charlie Sheen is speaking Spanish, John Lennon never will be. And that makes my head a happy place.

Juan Direction.*

I have been working in a school for three days. 


I am shattered. 


My brain is filled with Spanish and hearing Catalan. 


I can’t remember anyone’s names, mainly because I can’t even say them. 


My brain is broken. 


But I love it. (Not my brain).


Catalonia has taught me a lot so far, things like if there aren’t many people around then you say ‘There were four cats’ and if there is a foul in football match then you use a word that also means onion. 


That’s my kind of logic. 


I’m going to have an evening off tonight because I spent two hours last night trying to learn Spanish. I say an evening off, all I mean is I won’t try to fit any more information in my brain before I’ve had time to think some more about what is floating around in there already. 


It’s a bit like a swimming pool that nearly needs cleaning. If anything else goes in there, it could be a serious problem. 


So make sure you don’t do any onions and if you see three cats then tell them to find a friend. They’ll have 36 lives between them.



I have Juan.


*the title is a reference to an incident today in which children had to introduce themselves to me and approximately 60 percent listed their main dislike as Juan Direction. 

Silly onions.

So on Sunday I learned how to call someone ‘silly onion’ in Spanish whilst sitting watching football in a cafe by a harbour in El Masnou. It was a satisfying moment and everyone laughed.

It is my second day in the school and it is lovely, my timetable is quite sparse on Monday and Tuesday though so maybe I’ll decide for sure tomorrow.

Last night I got new laces for my boots, re-laced them and then stuck a string on the family’s electric guitar. I taught eight-year-old Mikel how to play the start of Smoke On The Water and then when he was asked to teach me a Spanish song as payment he put on a cd of disco anthems and smiled at me. I cpnsider the debt paid.

The children and teachers are all very friendly and it’s very bizarre. I think next week I will have more responsibility which is exciting.

The fact I am a Chelsea fan proves to be a challenge in making friends but at least I don’t support Real Madrid, I guess.

People here drink a lot of coffee and no one seems to shave their face much, especially the women.

I like it.

Not too bad in Badalona.

This is a double blog or a blogblog I suppose. Yesterday was two days compared to my usual half days in which case it was probably actually one day.


I woke up at 3a.m and couldn’t get back to sleep as I was too awake so I walked around in a cold Gatwick then got up before I checked into my flight. I didn’t sleep on the flight and by this point I had been awake for as long as I had slept which was about four hours. This bit is getting boring.


I arrived in Barcelona at 10a.m local time and was relieved when I went to the toilet that some people in Spain are also incapable of lifting up a toilet seat and have a fondness for carving penises into toilet cubicles. Then again I was at the airport so it was probably a Brit.


After a long day meeting nice people as the day wore on there were more seats than people as they each of us was whisked away into a new home. It was like a strange orphanage in which we all wanted to leave but leave together.


When a man came looking for me I though he was a detective because they’re always looking for people but it wasn’t; it was my new headmaster. Well, my new boss. He was a nice guy and he gave me a bus pass for Monday and two maps depicting different bus routes, I still don’t really know what it all means.


I then met my family who are great although there is obviously a language barrier we are getting by thanks to the iphone. I am eager to learn Spanish and they want to learn English, we are all getting there but I need to get on with it.


I’m learning little bits every day. That’s all I can do.


I went to Badalona today, it was beautiful but they thought the weather ruined it. I will try to explain the concept of Weston-Super-Mare to them. At least their beach had sand and it was raining and sunny. Two out of three shouldn’t be sniffed at.


A lady in a bakery had wiped her flour-covered hand on the back of her trousers and she kept giving me angry looks when she found out I was English. I think she liked me.


My laptop won’t accept I’m in Spain which is strange because we both are.


Also I have pictures of Gianfranco Zola exploring a religious garden. I’ll upload them at some point. He was having the time of his life.


Anyways. TTFN X

Ta ta for now ( and thanks Lenny)

It’s hopefully my last night in England and I’m spending it in a double bed at a hotel in Gatwick Airport.


Lenny Henry was bang on the money. It’s pretty premier.


I’ve had a shower from a soap dispenser and I have four towels just in case I want three more. Two are quite small though so I think there might be people watching me on a camera.


I’m not that gullible you perverts.


Adios Amigos, I meet my Catalan family tomorrow. My Catalamily.


If they are half as nice as the people I know from my life so far then I’ll be overwhelmed with happiness.


It’s about time I got my beauty sleep. I’ve seen pictures of Barcelona and I feel I should try and blend in a bit.


This is all assuming it doesn’t snow tonight.


If it does then most of the above no longer applies.