The lonely man who had a tan.

by justbekozlowski

*like all good lies this piece of fiction is largely true apart from large parts of it which are false so don’t believe any of it unless you want to but then you might get yourself all in a pickle so you probably shouldn’t*


There was a man

He had a tan,

From walking in the sun.

He walked alone,

that lonely road,

because his friends had gone.

He said to them

‘See the sun!’

But they’d already gone.

They said to him

‘We have new friends now’.

So the man then tanned his bum.

His bum turned red,

not brown instead,

Then it began to itch.

He couldn’t wear trousers,

or even his pants*

So he bathed the burn in the bath.

And when he got out,

he started to shout,

‘You’re having a ruddy laugh!’

His bum had been red,

But was now purple instead,

Because he’d put dye in the water.

He’d though it was lavender,

But it wasn’t,

It was dye. **

So the man sat sore and purple,

The man was alone,

and his friends were gone,

No more could the man,

Show his bum to the sun.

He didn’t know what it was he could do,

So he did nothing (which was a shame because I think it’s possible he had a lot to offer).


*For Americans, Canadians and anyone else who is confused about pants, this section of the poem will read rather like a thesaurus. Pants is intended to mean underpants, panties or boxers etc.


** That’s the last time I put lavender at the end of a line, it won’t happen again.