These words are the property of clever people. I'm just trying to put them in order.

Month: February, 2013

I missed a bus and it was brilliant.

I have two methods of getting home in Spain.


The first is a bus and then a car.


The second is a bus then a train and then a bus.


I now have a third.


Bus. Train. Legs.


Yesterday I missed my bus and had all the time in the world to wait for the next but instead I decided to use these things called legs that I have, to see how long it would take.


It was quicker than waiting for a bus.


And the views were much better.


Happy days.


Today I was playing pictionary and my pen ran out. I made the students act the word instead.


One kid acted spring.


When you can´t do what you want to do, find something better to do.


It will make you happier and the gum-clinging bones between your ears will shine.


Happy Wednesday.


I got better and stopped writing but now I´m writing again and still better. The best of both worlds.

I am better.

I celebrated by getting drunk. I am still on antibiotics but it didn´t seem to affect me that much. Saying that I did wake up with my ears bleeding and an overwhelming sense of dread.

I have promised many people letters and postcards so  this week I will be spending my spare time looking for a) envelopes b)paper and c) stamps. I also want to find a sketch book so I can draw you a picture instead of writing every day.

I like to draw pictures.

I met some very lovely people on Saturday and I was also told that I don´t seem English because I don´t have bad teeth. Probably the nicest thing someone´s said to me since I got here.

It snowed on Saturday as well.

In fact lots of things have happened, lots of things i am not going to write about. Lots of things I can´t be bothered to write about because my brain is at the bottom of a pint-glass in a dishwasher somewhere in Barcelona.

I´ll find it tomorrow.

Here´s a poem.

Drew the shrew,

Lived in a lake,

He lived off fish,

Mainly Hake,

One day Drew

Was hunting for food,

When out of nowhere came Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall who ate Drew for irresponsible fishing.

Muchos enfermos

Just as I had finally turned a corner with my throat infection (throat infections can make you walk rather straight).


I got sick.


Really sick.


I’ve just returned from the doctors where three people looked at me. The first looked into my mouth and said ‘wow’, the second made me take off my shirt, breathe heavily and then rubbed my neck a bit and the third one must have been supervising.


I decided that as there were three of them, this probably meant that they’re either really bad doctors or I’m a really bad patient.


In their defense, I don’t speak much when spoken to in Spanish.


I still don’t know what’s wrong with me but from what I’ve gathered, it probably won’t kill me. Excellent news.


From being ill the last week or so I have made the decision to do more to help people who are ill all of the time because it’s no fun being ill. It’s the opposite of fun. You can’t do anything and you can’t do anything about it.


So that is my silver-lining, a nice thing to think about while my stomach lining sorts itself out.


I don’t know what I will do or who for but it is something I would seriously like to do now that I’m a real person walking around the world earning money, paying taxes and drinking coffee. I mean, why am I doing these things if I’m not helping anyone else? There’s no point in having something if you’re not going to share it. You can’t share something if you have no one to share it with.


That’s not sharing.


Here is a song to end on, have a happy Monday one and all!



Voices are important but they are not important if you do not use them. This is why it is important to use them.


I use the voices in my head to feed this blog and keep it filled with new words on a regular basis. This is important in order to restore balance to my otherwise battered, confused and tormented brain.


My other voice. My outer voice, throat voice, singing voice. The voice I speak with, has not been used to its full capacity since I landed in Spain. I have laughed, I have taught, I have spoken but I have not sung.


I think my recent throat infection is musical karma.


‘If you’re not going to use it, let’s see how you like not having it’.


It’s true that karma is a bitch.


Needless to say, when my voice is back, I will sing louder than ever before.


Dearest Mrs/Mr/Ms/Dr Musical Karma People,

                   Please give me my throat back so I can deafen people and make them laugh again.


I think that your reasons for taking my voice hostage are valid and I appreciate that but I would like it back now.


I’m tired of coughing EVERY time I open my mouth.


And I miss singing.


Yours musically,

Sam X

The Inglish langwij.

iz styoopid.

Weather or not.

When I first arrived in Spain, it rained the first weekend. I apologised for bringing the rain cloud with me.

Four weeks later it’s raining again.

The weather is something I have tried to skirt around when writing because I didn’t want my friends to read it and feel somewhat disconnected and fed up with reading about me in the sunshine. I can appreciate, when it’s not stopped snowing for a week and you’ve not been able to go anywhere; reading about the man on the beach in Spain, isn’t going to do you any favours.

But I miss the British weather. It’s crazy.

The weather here is so noncommittal. It’s like squash with too much water. You know it’s there but it’s just not pulling its weight. It’s lazy.

Since I’ve been here the weather has been: sunny and ‘cold’, sunny but a bit cloudy and ‘cold’, sunny and quite warm, sunny and on the hotter side of warm, and sort of raining.

I know in about a month’s time I may not be complaining so much but seriously, enjoy the snow, enjoy proper rain, it’ll make you enjoy the sunshine even more when it does turn up (or you go on holiday).

I miss being soaked to the bone, getting inside, taking off my clothes and putting them on radiators and then sitting down to work 9-5.

In all seriousness, when you’re ill, you have a cold and you are lying in bed, what is better than hearing the rain on the window and being warm and dry? You don’t get that feeling in Spain because even when it rains, everyone is warm and dry.

The beauty of Britain is when the weather is nice, people are happy and that makes you happy and you make more people happy and it’s everyone has a big smile on their face.

In Spain, people don’t appreciate the sunshine. They close their shutters so that they can see the television.

I don’t.

Every morning I open my shutters as far as they open and sit near the window in the hope that I’ll catch a suntan.

Stay cool.

Be cool.

Smile in the rain.

Someone will join you.


I really like Spanish light-switches because they are really big.


This means they are easy to find in the dark; which is where they are, when you need them most.

Romantic pancakes.

Yesterday I got to school only to be so ill that I had to go home again.


The following is a brief encounter with my brain in the time between being told I had to go home and actually going home because I haven’t been given a key and had to wait five hours to be picked up.


‘As I write this entry I am lying in a bed at the nuns’ house. There is a scratchy blanket that is very warm, a huge wardrobe, a sink, a chest of drawers and a desk. The head nun has just brought me some tea and paracetamol which she has left on the bedside table I forgot to mention.


I am here because I’m not very well. I will have to sit my Spanish family down at some point and explain that I am a man and I quite need a set of keys for such occurrences as this. I want my freedom, much like Catalonia.’


Today I have been left in the house under strict instruction to take my temperature and have an ibuprofen if it’s too high.


I have now spent twenty-four hours in bed which has been incredibly boring. I am feeling slightly better but I am now taking antibiotics for a throat infection.


On a brighter note, the weather looks lovely today, it’s just a shame I can’t enjoy it.


I had no pancakes yesterday and I very much doubt I’ll be doing much for valentines day.


Heart-shaped pancakes are welcomed, I have looked and they are not too expensive to post.


Please address envelopes to:

Sam Snotsalotski

The sick man of Spain

Carrer Phlegm


Bold first impressions.

There is no room for freestyling on the Spanish two-kiss greeting.


It´s left then right, it works. Don´t do it differently you´ll only look like an idiot.



I threw a penis at a man on his stag do.

He was dressed as a toilet and told us he had a ‘big personality’. We told him his future wife is very lucky.

He agreed.

I also saw the Sagrada Familia for the first time last night and apparently I might be seeing it again tomorrow, this time in daylight and sober which will probably change the way it looks a bit. Other people seem to be happy with it so that bodes well for me.

It’s been a funny old week that culminated in Carnaval which is like Hallowe’en but better and it’s to let everybody know that there are 40 days before Easter which Britain could learn a lot from.


I personally think it’s an excellent rule.

Carnaval was celebrated at the school where I work on Friday and all of the kids went home at lunch and came back in dressed up and ready to party.

I have never seen fancy dress that had so much thought, care and enthusiasm put into it. (I don’t have any pictures so you’ll just have to take my word for it).

The party began at 3.30 and at 4.30 the parents were allowed to come in and join the party and THEY WERE DRESSED UP AS WELL!

That was a twist in the plot I hadn’t seen coming and they looked just as good as the children. There was a whole community of people dressed up as circus clowns, mime artists, strongmen and other circus performers dancing to Gangnam Style and having a ruddy good giggle at the school. I realised there is a real sense of community at the school that I had suspected was there.

I’ve been told that a lot of the families don’t have much money so only a few of the kids can afford to go to the English academies which seems unfair considering they’re so enthusiasticso this week I will be offering group lessons for 5 euros and hopefully this will appeal to some of the children and I can help them a bit more than I can in the class time.